dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
