I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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