Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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