Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
