this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize