Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
