pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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