textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
