Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
