I hope my margaritas pass through security.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
