how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
