im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
