I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Jerry, you need to find god
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
