yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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