when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
