Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
