I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
