and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
