Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Randomize
