just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
