Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
