i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
