dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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