College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
