your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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