so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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