He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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