I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
