Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
