You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
