I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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