sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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