I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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