Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
