so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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