Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
