i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
