OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize