Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
