My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
