I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
