Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
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