Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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