we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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