ugly people sure do ruin things
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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