Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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