I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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