You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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