No awkward lesbian experiences without me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
