I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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