So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
