Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Randomize
