Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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