he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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