Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
false alarm, still single
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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