Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
