Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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