I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just invented taco cereal.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
